Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
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🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁