If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.