“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
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“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*