can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
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Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing