Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
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I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.