My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
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Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠