I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
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When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.