The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
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Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Well well well…
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?