I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
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When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.