Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
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When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
wow
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Not all heroes wear capes…
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle