The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
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My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors