Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
You Might Also Like
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan