[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
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“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Not today.. 😂
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.