[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
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More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I love twitter
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.