Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
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Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.