[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
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Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea