Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
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Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I love the National Park Service.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*