the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
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Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I would like even faster food.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor