self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
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Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’