ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
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cause of death:
autopsy.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.