MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
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Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.