Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
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Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.