ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
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The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*