{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
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I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.