My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
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18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I feel seen
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.