ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
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“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Hmm, not sure about this change
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood