Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
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me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
The point of your 20s
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed