Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
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[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
My Guy
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Bike is short for Bichael.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
The Backseat Boys
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.