A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
You Might Also Like
absolutely not
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.