Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
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Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
My patience has stretch marks.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.