When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
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[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us