Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
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My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No