Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
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TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle