Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
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My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.