obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
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Wake me when AI does housework
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Me trying to reach for my goals
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat