I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
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6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there