Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
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I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
New favorite tiktok
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.