people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
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[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.