Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
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I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
stand with me against insufficient seating
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.