Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
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I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
shit just got real
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
somebody come look at this
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.