So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
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Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.