I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
You Might Also Like
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.