In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
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Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Every work call, he judges.