I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
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My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Life with a cat in one tweet
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I am never leaving this website
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?