My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
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I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Lmaoo 😂
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?