customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
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My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Here’s a meme
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”