I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
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My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left