He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
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Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’