One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
You Might Also Like
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
This could be us but you eatin’
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
how to market bottled water to dads
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.