[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
You Might Also Like
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I’m calling the cops.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix